I feel skinny. I may not be skinny but my clothes fit me comfortably. When I look in the mirror I see me, not a number, and that makes me feel skinny!

 I think it’s been about 2 months since I’ve stepped on a scale. Before that time every morning I would turn on the water for my shower, take off my robe and step on the scale. Let’s just say I weighed 130 pounds with a goal weight of 120 pounds. Monday morning I would step on the scale and weigh 130.2, and in my head I would say “Crap, I must have eaten a lot this weekend.” Tuesday: 128.9 “Yes! I must have done good yesterday.”  If I felt I did good then I was good and off to work I’d go with a smile on my face ready to conquer the world. Wednesday: 128.8. “Better!” Thursday: 129.7  “What?!?! I hardly ate at all yesterday.” If I gained weight that meant I was bad and my whole day was shot! And I mean my whole day! I would run late for work, things would go wrong at work and when I got home from work I’d be so bummed out about my weight gain I would eat and go to bed. I can guarantee that NO ONE who saw me looked at me and said “Wow, she is gaining weight.” In my eyes that .9 pounds that I gained from Wednesday to Thursday, even though it was .5 pounds less than I weighed on Monday, had me wishing that I could just stay home so no one could see my fat!

 I have read many articles about how you are not the number on the scale and every time I finished reading one, (or two, to three) I was in total agreement. The number on the scale meant nothing. That number doesn’t take into consideration any muscle I might have gained, water weight, or anything else that could have affected my weight. But I was addicted to that number. I had to know how much I weighed. If I didn’t know what I weighed how did I know how to dress? How would I know what to bring for lunch? Should I wear my fat pants or could I wear that tighter fitting skirt I bought? Could I bring sweet potato fries in my lunch or should I just eat protein and fat and skip the carbs? What I weighed became the only assessment I used to determine my health. As a teacher I should know better than to only use only one type of  assessment!

 I’m not sure what day it was when I decided to not step on the scale but I do know that I didn’t die that day. I put on the outfit I felt like wearing, not the one I thought would hide my fat. I took the leftovers I had packed the night before and didn’t try to determine the carbs. I felt good because there was no number to tell me I was failing or succeeding in my quest to be healthy, there was only how I felt.  I didn’t let a number determine my mood for the day. I let me determine it!.

 

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